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Pawns, travelers. by ~Awellmadebed:iconAwellmadebed:



The sun is in my eyes today begging for attention.
At today’s impasse in the marathon of life every path leads to one man’s home, and tonight we drive together but go nowhere.

Pop culture and it’s waves of dead entourage is with us-
in the plaza of the setting sun.
I am a sparrow disguised as a hawk sneaking from their eyes.
You’re alone, and I’m alone, so let’s go home tonight.

You could take off my costume only if we could both hide our dark intentions.
Where is vanity locked in this dark room?

We’ll bask in the voices of the saints,
to circle us in safety so we may move safely in smoky waves like birds of the night sky.

And the lights that lead us home, their only wish is to distract us, but-
Pick no fight with their mask of altruism: the dark is much worse.

In the darkness we’d find the truth of the rumors we’ve always been told, and the truth is more than the worst of what we’ve ever heard.
But for now we are just two souls stuck in each other’s revolving doors of friends and lovers and grayscale between sex and conversation.
©2007-2009 ~Awellmadebed
:iconawellmadebed:

Author's Comments

This is about love, its about discovery. Its about a lot.

I would like some feedback,

and the last stanza is the one I am most proud of, so just read that if nothing else.

Comments


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:iconiamidaho:
I do not know enough about poetry to leave deep insightful coments or respond correctly about diffrent mechanical aspects, but I liked the imagery created and the way you described the momets of riding in the car, I could hear the radio play music just loud enough that I could recognize the dron and beat of the genre, but not the individual tune because it was overshadowed by the noise of the aimless drive in the dark who's sole purpose was simply to be together, The choice between right and wrong, home or the darkness is interesting.

To me it brings to mind the choice between the saintly life and all its standards and rules and rights and wrongs, and the freedom of no religion or standards and only ones choice to guide them.

I may be wrong in my above observations, but I did enjoy reading the poem.
:iconwwhale:
i found this pretty interesting, the way you put ideas to images is quite amazing. If there was anything i'd want to change, I think it could do with even more hacking away, some parts of it could be condensed, if only to give the rest of it some room to breathe.

for example:

We’ll turn to the voices of the saints; let them circle us in safety so we may move safely in smoky waves, like the birds of the night sky.

may or may not work better as something like.

We'll turn to saints voices,
circling,
moving us safely in smoky waves,
like birds of the night sky.

though i could see why you'd want to keep that line as is.

but yeah, awesome. favourited.

--
music: [link]
:iconawellmadebed:
thanks, im glad you took so much away from it, and there was no set idea behind it, so really what you said was good- "The choice between right and wrong, home or the darkness"

I was consciously drawing lots of lines between the light and dark- ill tell you that
:iconawellmadebed:
thanks I'm glad you liked it

and yeah I agree it could do with more hacking away, everything I write could always be lighter, and I'm glad you took the time to change that sentence for me, and I think I will trim it a bit, but not in the way you did, just because I want to keep the melody as constant and rhythmic as I can.
:icongeek-stink-breath:
(love it+,)
i'm not sure if you intended on this,
but there's quite a repitition with the word "dark"

maybe use a substitute for a few
and what you're trying to say will come out stronger

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November 5, 2007
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